You have a friend and they get married and the next time you
see them you say so, how’s married life? And then they respond oh you know, not
much has changed. And I’ve been both the friend who asks and their friend who
has given the reply but you know what that’s a lie – in my opinion things do
very much change when you get married.
see them you say so, how’s married life? And then they respond oh you know, not
much has changed. And I’ve been both the friend who asks and their friend who
has given the reply but you know what that’s a lie – in my opinion things do
very much change when you get married.
I try to really respect everyone’s relationship and their
individual needs so how things are for one couple may not be so for another
couple and with less than 5 months in I certainly don’t think I’m kind of any
marriage expert but as a newlywed I have felt a change in emotions and life
approach and I thought the insight might be of interest to others.
individual needs so how things are for one couple may not be so for another
couple and with less than 5 months in I certainly don’t think I’m kind of any
marriage expert but as a newlywed I have felt a change in emotions and life
approach and I thought the insight might be of interest to others.
As I’ve discussed before to me there’s a difference between
being legally married and married in the eyes of God. I think Godly marriage is
important but I recognize legal marriage it very important as well. Starting on
day 1 there becomes this increased level of responsibility to ones spouse – I
would hope that anyone in a committed relationship would be with their partner
in good times and bad but when there’s nothing tying you together you don’t
really know until something happens while marriage is making that pledge when
events are unknown. And legally you are now that person’s decision maker in the
event they are unable to make decisions for themselves – your spouse could literally
have your life in their hands and that is some serious trust. I find I worry
more about Shaun now that we’re married also feel a heightened sense of responsibility
thinking about how my actions affect Shaun too. I guess this is why people
become “boring old married people” – it’s one thing to take risks when you’re
young and single but when those risks affect someone else it makes you think
twice.
being legally married and married in the eyes of God. I think Godly marriage is
important but I recognize legal marriage it very important as well. Starting on
day 1 there becomes this increased level of responsibility to ones spouse – I
would hope that anyone in a committed relationship would be with their partner
in good times and bad but when there’s nothing tying you together you don’t
really know until something happens while marriage is making that pledge when
events are unknown. And legally you are now that person’s decision maker in the
event they are unable to make decisions for themselves – your spouse could literally
have your life in their hands and that is some serious trust. I find I worry
more about Shaun now that we’re married also feel a heightened sense of responsibility
thinking about how my actions affect Shaun too. I guess this is why people
become “boring old married people” – it’s one thing to take risks when you’re
young and single but when those risks affect someone else it makes you think
twice.
On an emotional level
to me, it makes the uncertainty of the future a little less daunting knowing
that I’ll never have to face challenges alone but sometimes it can be scary because
it also means that there’s twice the risk – I guess you could say there’s an
increased variety of emotions. When we have conversations about simple things
like our day or big picture things like our careers as a whole I don’t just
listen to the conversation just to be a good listener I listen thinking how
this affects us as a whole and how and if I need to make any adjustments in my
own activities that better support those of my spouse.
to me, it makes the uncertainty of the future a little less daunting knowing
that I’ll never have to face challenges alone but sometimes it can be scary because
it also means that there’s twice the risk – I guess you could say there’s an
increased variety of emotions. When we have conversations about simple things
like our day or big picture things like our careers as a whole I don’t just
listen to the conversation just to be a good listener I listen thinking how
this affects us as a whole and how and if I need to make any adjustments in my
own activities that better support those of my spouse.
From a financial standpoint we have chosen to combine
finances and I understand that’s not for every couple – hell for the longest
time I didn’t think it would be for us. But after lots of long conversations we
came to the conclusion that it would be difficult for us to have shared goals
and separate accounts. For a long time I thought that combining finances meant
that you had to clear every single purchase with your spouse but when we took a
marriage prep class we were presented with the idea of each having a set
discretionary fund – GENIUS. I like to shop on a regular basis, Shaun goes
through periods of buying nothing and periods of splurge and we both think the
things that the other ones buys are dumb – I’m on a planner sticker binge these
days and Shaun wants $50 board games I’ve never heard of, rather than try to
convince the other of the merits of the things we want we just promise to stay
within our pre-determined fund – no separate accounts just trust that the other
one is going to do the right thing. We’ve also come to realization that we’re
never going to have perfectly matched incomes;There’s going to be times when one of us makes more and one of us
makes less and there’s going to be times when one works more and the other
works less but to say this is my income and that is yours isn’t looking at our
life as a partnership and the reality is the time and energy we each invest in
our careers does affect the other person – if I work late Shaun’s on his own
for dinner or if he has to work on a Saturday that’s less time we have
together.
finances and I understand that’s not for every couple – hell for the longest
time I didn’t think it would be for us. But after lots of long conversations we
came to the conclusion that it would be difficult for us to have shared goals
and separate accounts. For a long time I thought that combining finances meant
that you had to clear every single purchase with your spouse but when we took a
marriage prep class we were presented with the idea of each having a set
discretionary fund – GENIUS. I like to shop on a regular basis, Shaun goes
through periods of buying nothing and periods of splurge and we both think the
things that the other ones buys are dumb – I’m on a planner sticker binge these
days and Shaun wants $50 board games I’ve never heard of, rather than try to
convince the other of the merits of the things we want we just promise to stay
within our pre-determined fund – no separate accounts just trust that the other
one is going to do the right thing. We’ve also come to realization that we’re
never going to have perfectly matched incomes;There’s going to be times when one of us makes more and one of us
makes less and there’s going to be times when one works more and the other
works less but to say this is my income and that is yours isn’t looking at our
life as a partnership and the reality is the time and energy we each invest in
our careers does affect the other person – if I work late Shaun’s on his own
for dinner or if he has to work on a Saturday that’s less time we have
together.
Things have changed on a physical level too, which I won’t go into
in to much detail but I do feel like this is something that never really gets
discussed so I’m going there. I was raised Catholic and even though it really
wasn’t something my parents really preached in Christianity there is a certain
level of shame and guilt associated with sex outside of marriage. This is a difficult
one for me because I really admire people who wait until marriage and the older
I got the less interested I became in sleeping with someone just because it
would feel good but at the same time I feel like I learned and developed
emotionally from my prior relationships so I can’t say if I had to do it all
over again I would hold out for my husband. But I will say it’s nice to not
feel guilty or to not feel guilty for not feeling guilty or to worry so much about getting pregnant –
it’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders in this regard.
in to much detail but I do feel like this is something that never really gets
discussed so I’m going there. I was raised Catholic and even though it really
wasn’t something my parents really preached in Christianity there is a certain
level of shame and guilt associated with sex outside of marriage. This is a difficult
one for me because I really admire people who wait until marriage and the older
I got the less interested I became in sleeping with someone just because it
would feel good but at the same time I feel like I learned and developed
emotionally from my prior relationships so I can’t say if I had to do it all
over again I would hold out for my husband. But I will say it’s nice to not
feel guilty or to not feel guilty for not feeling guilty or to worry so much about getting pregnant –
it’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders in this regard.
At lot of things I’ve mentioned are emotional changes- trust,
worry, appreciation, commitment but there’s a more visible aspect too I think
is just as important – changing my name. This is something I REALLY
struggled with. On one hand I feel like although I have moments I’m glad to be
passed I think I turned into a pretty decent person and my husband does too or else
he wouldn’t have married me and part of me felt like changing my name meant
leaving that person behind. And honestly I think it’s dumb that the norm is for
the wife to change her name to her husbands and I also think it’s BS that it’s
perfectly ok for women from rich families to go by their maiden name (there’s
no headlines about Ivanka Kushner) but when a regular woman does it she’s seen
as hyper feminist and not really committed to her husband. But at the end of
the day ours means our and that extends to our last name. I also think it makes
things easier with that legal recognition I talked about and that future child
we’ll probably have and let’s face it, I’m all about making my life easier.
worry, appreciation, commitment but there’s a more visible aspect too I think
is just as important – changing my name. This is something I REALLY
struggled with. On one hand I feel like although I have moments I’m glad to be
passed I think I turned into a pretty decent person and my husband does too or else
he wouldn’t have married me and part of me felt like changing my name meant
leaving that person behind. And honestly I think it’s dumb that the norm is for
the wife to change her name to her husbands and I also think it’s BS that it’s
perfectly ok for women from rich families to go by their maiden name (there’s
no headlines about Ivanka Kushner) but when a regular woman does it she’s seen
as hyper feminist and not really committed to her husband. But at the end of
the day ours means our and that extends to our last name. I also think it makes
things easier with that legal recognition I talked about and that future child
we’ll probably have and let’s face it, I’m all about making my life easier.
My whole life I’ve heard that marriage is 50 / 50 – well let
me tell you – that’s bullshit and the math is wrong. Marriage is not addition
it’s multiplication – you can’t have two people each putting in half effort and
expect a full marriage. Ideally each person gives their 100%, and sometimes due
to illness, work demands, or just life one person can’t give their 100% and so
the other has to find a little extra to make up the gap be it with their time,
money, energy or emotion.
me tell you – that’s bullshit and the math is wrong. Marriage is not addition
it’s multiplication – you can’t have two people each putting in half effort and
expect a full marriage. Ideally each person gives their 100%, and sometimes due
to illness, work demands, or just life one person can’t give their 100% and so
the other has to find a little extra to make up the gap be it with their time,
money, energy or emotion.
So yeah, there’s a lot changed going from single
to married and it’s not just a bunch of pain in the butt paperwork and a pretty ring.
to married and it’s not just a bunch of pain in the butt paperwork and a pretty ring.